Thursday, 12 March 2009

Pouring Oil On Troubled Wafers: A Game For the Terminally Work Avoidant

I don't know about you, but I enjoy film trailers quite as much as the main feature, but last night I saw something that caused popcorn-spewing shock: the trail for Steve Martin in Another Pink Panther remake.  The saddest thing is being reluctant witness to the trajectory of Martin's career - from stand-up genius to the poster boy for toe-curling embarrassment. 
In the name of Zeus, what can be passing through the studio executives minds that they can think it's a good idea to dish up such dross. [Why Martin signs up to these things must remain between him & his shrink]. It seems baffling that during all those hundreds of pre-production meetings , that not one brave soul manages to say, 'we must pull the plug on this unholy pile of chod'.        It is therefore in the spirit of pity rather than anger that I am launching the Let's Mess With The Remakes Charitable Trust to assist those atrophied minds in reworking sad old ideas.
[the rule is a single letter change, but rules are bendy]
The Cheery Orchard
Catheter In The Rye
Shakespeare In Hove
Glue Velvet
Brave Newt World
Whose Lift Is It Anyway?
Silence Of The Lamps
Crouching Dragon, Hidden Draylon
2001, A Spade Odysey
Schindler's Lisp
Brie Encounter
The Italic Job
Apocalypse Nob

 I am also launching a companion project: The Ever Expanding List of Box Office Poison:
In no particular order, except for the first because he is top:
Matthew McConnaghy - ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, keep that man away from us
Drew Barrymore [can't act]
Renne Zellweger [who told her acting centres only round the mouth]
Whoopi Goldberg [disturbing lack of eyebrow]
Ted Danson [disturbing lack of eyebrow - only Paul Bettany gets away with this]
Sir Ian McKellan aka Serena McKellan [overacts, appalling voice & smug about it]
Jeremy Irons [appalling voice & smug about it]
Ewen MacGregor [perfectly cast in Trainspotting, but can't really act]
Richard E. Grant  [perfectly cast in Withnail & I, but really can't act]
Robin Williams [hard to know where to begin]
Sean Bean [horrible]
Daniel Day Lewis  [ponderously self-important & There Will Be Blood: dear, oh dear, oh dear. As for the gypsy earrings, waxed string hair & faux Irish brogue he's adopted for civilian life....]
Robert De Niro  [disasterous comic actor]
Jennifer Anniston   [sorry love]
Brian Blessed  [ham]
James Woods [can only watch through fingers]
Tilda Swinton [can only watch through fingers]
Mackenzie Crook [can only watch through fingers]
Joan Cusack [can only watch through fingers - if at all]
Special Mention:
Judi Dench [national treasure maybe,  but ghastly as M]

All the above will shortly be called before the House of Unactorly Activities chaired by Joseph 'the hoofer' MacCarthy.

Prompted by one of the comments left: 
Forest Whittacker - terminal disdain for the absurdity of staying in character for the duration of filming when he played Idi Amin... it's acting not Madame Arcarti spirit channeling 
Further suggestions welcome.